Ending the Pain and Fear

Throughout your life you have had experiences that were painful. Those experiences made you first feel unsafe and when you feel unsafe fear arises. It is a natural reaction. You live with expectations that you will be loved, kept safe, be accepted and made to feel worthy, but there are people and circumstances that shake that belief. As a child maybe you were punished or spoken harshly to. Maybe you were made fun of by other children. Maybe as a teen you were rejected by a friend or embarrassed or you failed at something. As an adult you might have been cheated on or divorced. Maybe you lost a child or a spouse. Now the world doesn’t feel safe and loving.

These experiences created pain and that pain became personalized. You recreated yourself to be more loved, accepted and worthy. You hid the parts of you that were rejected by others or what you saw as your flaws. Your pain was the thorn that moved you from living in love to living in fear. It separated you from others because you felt you couldn’t be yourself, authentically, and still be loved. But most importantly the fear separated you from your Self.

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How to Deal with Fear of Missing Out

Fear of missing out or FOMO affects everyone, harming personal happiness and hampering inspiration. The “fear of missing out” is an uneasy, often all-consuming, feeling of missing important events.


It can arise when a birthday party happens. It can surge when the weekend rolls around. It can pop up when the phone doesn’t ring. FOMO is the fear that results when you think your peers are having more fun than you.

It can stir up beliefs that you are not good enough. It comes from wondering if they’re experiencing life’s best face when your face isn’t around.

Truth be told, FOMO is a widely experienced phenomenon. You’re not alone. The problem is that it can lead to an obsession with social media, create high levels of anxiety and contribute to your happiness. While FOMO is experienced by lots and lots of us, it is totally beatable. If you’re caught in a FOMO cycle, you can break the chain.

Where Does FOMO Come From?


Fear of missing out can be caused by many things: an imbalance between your home and work life, loss of sleep, loss of autonomy or a deep need for more competence. At the end of the day, however, FOMO is derived from the fear of unhappiness. So, really, the fear of missing out is just that: fear.

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Fear of Flying—Let Go, Let God

I used to be the classic “white-knuckle flyer.” I was in such a terrified state that I would clutch the armrests and tightly squeeze my partner’s hand to the point of cutting off her circulation. And this wasn’t only during episodes of turbulence; it was at every takeoff and landing and throughout the flight. Anti-anxiety drugs like Xanax or Valium had little effect. Wine only made me sleepy. Visualizations and positive affirmations couldn’t touch the core of my fear. I was convinced I was going to die at every sound or movement of the plane. It took courage to keep flying in the face of that, but I did. Still, no matter how I tried to reframe airplane travel, I remained stuck in my mind’s perceptual prison of danger and unease.


That is, until I met Panache Desai. It wasn’t just the expansive spiritual framework that he introduced me to. It was the experience of God that I first had through his programs and in his presence. The terror of infinity/eternity I had felt since childhood (which was probably feeding my fear of flying) gradually softened into tentative trust in something greater than my own singular life—and finally faith. I began to experience infinity as God, as a peace-filled spaceless space, which, if I surrendered to it, completely enfolded me in its loving embrace. It was an experience of the soul not the mind. That is what changed everything, slowly but monumentally.


I gradually began to fly without fear. At takeoff, I would relax into the power of the energy that was lifting me into space. It was exhilarating instead of terrifying. When the plane floated downward toward the landing strip, my consciousness floated with it. During the flight, I started to look out the window to see the worlds we were passing through instead of staring straight ahead or sitting rigidly with my eyes closed. Prairies and mountains, rivers and lakes, constantly changing clouds, sunrise and sunset, all were visible beyond the plane’s windows, and I had refused to look for years. Suddenly, I couldn’t stop looking, and I began to request window rather than aisle seats. I was Alice stepping through the looking glass into the full magic of life on (and above) Earth.

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Changing the Way We Think About Fear

As I travel around the country for my “I’ve Been Thinking…” book tour, I continue to be moved by the conversations I’m having with people along the way. This week, I was particularly struck by the conversations I’ve had with people about fear.

Fear. It’s one of the scariest and most complex emotions that we face as human beings. It can paralyze us and stop us in our tracks. Or, it can motivate us to keep fighting and keep pushing forward. Pushing through fear is not easy, I know. But it really is up to each of us to decide how to manage this nerve-wracking emotion that wreaks havoc on so many of us.

This week, I felt moved as I watched so many students push through their fear and use it as a motivator to stand up and speak out against gun violence, walking out of classrooms across the country. Rightfully so, these students and their parents are terrified of what is happening on school campuses across America. They don’t want to live in fear any longer as they sit in class or drop their kids off at school. These students and those who support them are using their fear to propel themselves and others into action. I am so inspired by their indignation and I admire the way they are using their voices.

My mother once told me that you are never too young to create an impact. You are never too young to make a difference. You may have to be 35 to run for president, but you don’t have to be that age to make a difference. That’s why I bow down to these students and I look forward to joining them next weekend as they mobilize again for “March For Our Lives.”

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Speak Up. Don't Suffer In Silence

Too many of us suffer in silence.

Pretending it’s okay…pretending we’re okay.

We keep ourselves stuck by silencing our inner voice and not utilizing our outer voice. Out of shame and fear we don’t ask for help and we don’t share our stories. Instead we seek isolation in an effort to escape the hurt, memories, shame or pain.

What you fail to realize is that you are NEVER alone in your experiences. There have been a multitude of people who have felt the same way before you and there are countless people who are feeling the same way now. You may not know them or see them, but they have the same feelings of anger, sadness, heartache, despair… They feel what you feel. You share each other’s fear.

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The Inconvenient Truth

In the past few weeks I have been fixated on the news and stories surrounding the world of USA Gymnastics. Like most of us, I have looked on with horror, disbelief, and heartbreak as well as a profound sense of admiration for the 156 women and girls - "the army of survivors" - who shared their victim impact statements and testified against former USA Gymnastics doctor Larry Nassar. I also cheered when Judge Aquilina sentenced Nassar to 40 to 175 years in prison and so matter-of-factly said, "It is my honor and privilege to sentence you. You don't deserve to walk outside a prison ever again." Just yesterday, Nassar was sentenced to an additional 40 to 125 years in prison after a second sentencing hearing where more than 60 young women and teenagers read or presented victim impact statements. 


Like many of us, I can't help thinking about the other people and organizations involved in this situation who were told or put on notice about Nassar's behavior and did nothing to stop it. Whether it was Michigan State University, USA Gymnastics, the U.S. Olympic Committee, or private training facilities, I am a huge proponent of the investigations that are and should be conducted as to how these entities and people - these enablers - ignored or mishandled the sexual assault complaints lodged against Nassar. It's chilling to realize that he could have been stopped decades ago. 


Being a mother of three daughters the same age range as many of the women I watched testify, what stops me in my tracks are the victims and survivors who shared that they told their parents what was going on and, for whatever reason, their parents dismissed or minimized what their child was saying and did not advocate or did not advocate strongly enough to put a stop to Nassar's sick, destructive, abusive behavior. 


Although, I would like to think that as a parent I would have listened and taken charge, and now there is no question that I would, 15 years ago when I was a newly divorced, single mother of three girls trying to juggle so many aspects of life, the truth is I don't know how I would have responded...And that haunts me. Doing a good deal of soul searching, I have been asking myself questions like: 
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Discovering the Divine Gift and Abandonment Isolation

For many people who are experiencing rapid spiritual growth, isolation may be a necessary part of the learning curve. One reason for this is that the cellular pain comes to the surface it is hard even for those who are consciously aware not to project it to those around them.  Another reason for the isolation is that company can distract us from facing what we need to so we can move on.

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How does your reaction to change affect your life experience?

At this moment, you and I are living in an information age. We are living through shifts in the meta-structures of the game that are very profound. We haven’t even begun to grow into it.

Our mythology is so based on our previous ages and consciousness, that we haven’t even understood it yet. I mean, we’re just beginning the dance of understanding what it means when we have a collective unconsciousness, when we have information moving at the rate it is. We’re still getting overloaded trying to collect it. But it’s obvious – you can’t collect it.

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At the corner of fear and forgiveness

Many have memories of fun-filled afternoons, family vacations, weekends loaded with laughter and wise knowledge being passed from an idealized parent.

 

What about the others?

 

The children who shy away from light because they are strangely comforted by the darkness.

 

How about all of the once innocent children, now struggling adults, who hide inside the shadows that dance along with their lives.

 

Not every childhood memory is warmly filled. Many are chilled with ice as sharp as knives. Pain that swallows them alive.

 

What about them?

 

Those that get denied and pushed aside. The ones that we choose not to see because it makes us uncomfortable or forces us to face our own darkness.

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Unmaking Enemies, Unraveling Fear

We are living through adversarial times in this country. People want to blame others for whatever they believe is wrong with their own lives. Immigrants, gay people, outspoken women—choose one or all of the above, and you have an instant “enemy.” It’s a behavioral pattern that can be traced back through centuries of human relationships on this planet.
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The Woman Who Feared Infinity

If you’ve seen the film The Man Who Knew Infinity, based on the life of Indian mathematician Srinivasa Ramanujan, you will recognize the reference above. Ramanujan was a highly advanced mathematical genius with relatively little educational background in the field. He was primarily self-taught. His theorems and ideas were brilliant, ground-breaking, and 100 years later are still being studied. According to a number of sources, his work was inextricably connected to his deep devotion to his spiritual practice. In the film, his character explains: “An equation has no meaning to me unless it expresses the thought of God.” Other great scientists and mathematicians have recognized that same connection; Galileo, for instance: “Mathematics is the language in which God has written the universe.” Ramanujan lived and expressed this truth. His unconventional mathematical thinking, often revealing the effects without the cause, or proof, came from a place within him that was connected to the infinite, to God. Because of this, he became a clear vessel for God’s light of universal truth to shine through him.
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Fear to Love: Learning from Nature

Soul Spring is a spiritual blog and I am talking about the spiritual revolution that keeps cycling within me - over and over - each time bringing me closer to love and further away from fear.

At the same time I can’t help noticing what is happening in America right now has happened to me and in all my personal relationships. That is when all my garbage rises to the surface and one more time I get to burn, learn, and then move upward and forward. I believe every time that happens, I get closer to love, as fear becomes a memory- even if only a short lived memory.

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Fear and Its Disguises

The presence of fear is not always recognizable as such. Yes, it can be the jolt to the gut, adrenaline coursing through your body, at a near-miss in traffic or sudden turbulence mid-flight. Obvious. Unmistakable. But most fear is more subtle than that, more hidden. It lurks in your subconscious and disguises itself as other things when it emerges. Anger, sadness, negativity, shyness, humility, resentment—all these are perfect covers for fear.
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Losing Myself…An Identity Crisis from Empty Nest Syndrome (Part Two: Fear for ourselves)

Last week I addressed the fear for our children as they leave the nest, this week is all about ME! Fear…what will I do with my time? Where will my focus be?

My life has been about them, what now? Who am I without my kids? Aren’t I Kiera and Hannah’s mom? I’m having an identity crisis.

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Fears - Too Afraid To Look

When I sat down to write this article, I begin thinking about how the word “fear” has evolved in my mind and my consciousness over the course of my lifetime.

For the first 27 years of my life, the only fear I identified with was what I call “outside” fears such as the fear of heights (which is actually the fear of falling), fear of dogs (which turned into a phobia that still exists), fear of bridges over water, fear of my father, and so on. Of course I was a bundle of what I now call “inner” fears but I had no clue.

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Flying the Coup

Fear created by the Empty Nest Syndrome – Part One: Fear for our child

Now is the time of year when school starts back up and our houses become quieter. For many of us, our children are headed off to college…or even scarier…the “real world.” The empty nest syndrome sets in! Who is going to protect them? What happens if they get sick, who will bring them soup and a cold washcloth? When someone is mean who is going to stick up for them?

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How To Feel Fear To Move Past It

What if I told you that there was one thing and one thing alone that was keeping you from love and intimacy, more money, better health, youthfulness and vibrancy? That one thing is the biggest chokehold in your experience of being human and that one thing is fear—but more your inability to function in the presence of that energy... Fear is a sure fire sign that you’re bumping up against the edge of your known reality or your comfort zone. I want to empower you right now to navigate the experience of fear when it arises from within you.

Fear triggers the part of us that’s rooted in survival and that’s why we’re unable to deal with it. We either fight, run away or freeze. All of these behaviors don’t serve us and they don’t allow us to fully thrive and flourish into all that we’re becoming and all that we’re growing into.  How do you own fear and recognize that it is an ally in your evolution? Watch the video below to learn how:

• To Learn More About Panache Desai -  CLICK HERE• Looking to take a class from Panache? - CLICK HERE• Would you like to Meet Panache in Person? - CLICK HERE• Would you Like to Learn More about Panache's Online Classes? - CLICK HERE

Feed It or Free It

One of the first questions I ask myself (or try to to remember to ask myself) when I become aware of a fear is, “do I really want to keep feeding this, or do I want to free it?“

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FOMO – Overcoming my Fear of Missing Out

Have you ever had that feeling that maybe you “missed the boat” or lost an opportunity because you weren’t at the right place at the right time? Or felt that anxiety that comes up when you find out that others had fun at an event without you, and then it causes you to want to be involved in everything…therefore overfilling your schedule? Hello…my name is Darby…and I have chronic FOMO.

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Peace, Love, and Extreme Fear

Is it possible to remain peaceful when you are faced with extremely frightening events? Can you feel fear and peace simultaneously? And hold love in your heart through it all? More and more, we are living the answers to questions like these. In Massachusetts, where I live, during the 2013 Boston Marathon, residents found themselves in the midst of a terrorist drama that dragged on for five days. As fate would have it, I was away from home, on retreat with Panache Desai in Florida, during that exact time period. Within the group of 46 people from all over the world, there were several of us from Massachusetts.

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