The beginning of October holds the anniversary of my brother’s death. He committed suicide before I turned 20, on his 25th birthday. Even after all these years, I have complicated feelings about his death. I am still learning how to breathe in the wake of a suicide, and not for the reasons you might think.
Every year I think about my brother and the role he played in my life. On his birthday this year, I received acupuncture. Could this energy work help me let go of any suppressed grief or other emotions? The session included tuning forks, sound bowls and needles. The goal was for an opening to be found somewhere in my psyche, that would help release unhealthy energy trapped in my body, and mind.
One tiny needle, called a Press Tack, was left in my wrist. It was secured under breathable tape, and would last for a couple days. This little needle would possibly help me continue processing old emotions. The tiny tack caused more discomfort than the longer needles. Was this an indication of what was to come in the near future?
While resting with the needles in place, I had the awareness of how I once felt, angry and stressed. This was in comparison to how most of my days now are experienced in peace.
I left the appointment with an introspective, and positive mindset. Later in the day, I received news that someone I care about, had committed suicide on the anniversary of my brother’s death. I felt a distant memory come to life. Loss and confusion again bubbled up in my thoughts. I didn’t know where to file the information.
I recalled how disoriented I felt at my brother’s memorial service. My family was with me, but I was lost in a place no one could touch me. I was caught in a tsunami of panic and overwhelming sadness. I could not find any stability. In the churning dark water; people, emotions and logic were haphazardly tossed about, arms and legs askew. Nothing made sense.
I can still feel how my breath caught in my throat. It felt like my head would explode, the only release was crying. I know people reached out, but on that day, at least for a couple hours, I was on my own.
Of course, my family couldn’t touch me. I was grieving, not just the loss of my brother, but the absence of any true connection or deep emotional bond with family. I was facing not just the pain of losing someone, but how devastating mental illness can be for many generations in one family.
I recognize that when I mourn my brother, I am grieving so much more. Will I ever be completely healed? There are many layers of self-discovery tied to my childhood and the loss of my brother. Most days I am healed, and I have great faith in miracles and instant healings.
Was there a coincidence in the timing of my deciding to heal past wounds, when another loss occurred? I’m not sure, but I am grateful for some of the insights and conversations that took place this week.
I am also grateful for our ability to create a life we love, regardless of our past. This doesn’t mean that there are not painful lessons along the way, but we can make choices that help remove us from the pain.
My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone affected by mental illness. Daily, I practice sending prayers and healing to past generations, current generations and future generations. I invite you to join me in sending peace, compassion and miracles throughout our world. Together lets create a world where suffering is a mythical creature from the past that no longer touches lives.
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