My whole life, I craved love and perfection. The stakes were so high that I find it hard to relax. I need to do it all. But it's not easy to carry this heavyweight upon me. Always worrying about love, career, or health. Doubting my own self-worth, ability, and strength. Choosing the wrong people to fall in love with always confirmed they were right about me. I was not worthy of their love and attention. I talk too much, I am too loud, I take too much space. On a career level, I doubted, too. Am I good enough? My dream was to become an artist. I wanted to sing, act, model, and write. Do I sound well, do I overact, am I pretty enough, do people like my writings?
When I was younger, I started to gain interest in recreative substances such as cocaine and other amphetamines. When I used these drugs, I didn’t worry about my love life or my goals. I could accomplish everything. I felt so smart and creative, I believed in myself for the very first time. That became addictive. Living for the parties and not living a real life. This was my story for the past couple of 10 years that I didn't live my full potential. I thought these chemicals helped me, but in fact, they only distracted me and held me back from the things I really craved for. I also found a habit to fall in love with emotionally unavailable partners. Gradually I realized these behaviors didn’t serve me at all. I felt guilty after every party and felt low and depressed after another romantic rejection. I wanted to change these things. But how could I let go?
The devil inside me, and inside all of us, tell us that we’re not good enough. We are enslaved and victimized by our past, and we can’t change this. We will never get what we truly want. This part of us feels so lonely and depressed. It doesn’t want to feel the pain and believes that fleeing is the only solution. What’s wrong with a bit of cocaine, one more drink, another cigarette, or a casual fun date. It will make you feel better, right? The pain is too hard to bear. Why not buy that other dress, or skirt or fancy top? They look so nice, you will feel better after. Why not eat that extra piece of chocolate or ice cream? It’s so delicious. Why not sleep a little longer? You don’t want to feel depressed all day long and tired. Why not just procrastinate, after comparing yourself to others? You know you are too lazy to be successful as they are. It’s easier just to accept the truth and face it. You will never get it. You are doomed to be unsuccessful. So, stay wherever you are, things will always stay the same.
But then I found out there is something bigger than myself. There’s something or someone that takes care of me. Which I can open and connect to. I don’t need to carry these heavy loads on my shoulder any longer. I can let go and trust that I’m guided by a higher force. It took me years to realize this, and after this realization, it’s still not easy to change these addictive behaviors. It’s so easy to get lost again. Go for another date with a romantic partner who finds it difficult to commit. To go to a party again and forget my career and health goals. But I’m getting there. Every day is another day that I’m learning and undoing my dysfunctional patterns. I’m growing piece by piece. I’m not afraid to confess my faults. I go to therapy now. My ego always told me, you don’t need therapy. You can do it alone. But why can’t I lean on professional people that want to help me? It doesn’t mean I’m not strong enough. It will give me extra guidance and accountability.
I don’t need that drug or another toxic romantic relationship. I think long-term now and deserve to be in good health. And to have a partner that longs for real commitment just the way I do and desires to spend their precious time with me. I do not need this extra dress or another H&M shirt. I threw it all away, I recycled it. I'm a minimalist now, I do not need any more clutter in my life to fill up the void. I can handle it for myself. For the past year, I went through PDS symptoms and hyperventilation because of the stress carried with this. But this year, 2022, I know I deserve to be in good health. And don't have these bad hangovers or other illnesses anymore distracting me from my dream goals. And more at least I will not be seduced by another unavailable romantic partner anymore holding me back from finding true love. I can heal if I'm willing to let go.
There’s more to life. I believe it, and I can achieve it. This time I’m stronger. This time I'm successful. I’m not 23 years old anymore. I’m a 31-year adult now, I went through a lot of breakups, and I have survived them all. I can face my loneliness and darkness. The depression will fade, and sickness will not stay. I can feel everything, the light and even the darkest nights. If I can express and dare to feel, it will heal. Why should I flee? If there’s already love in me. I’m alive and I will survive. I can and will let go.
Join Panache Desai each weekday morning for support in reconnecting to the wellspring of calm and peace that lives within you and that has the power to counterbalance all of the fear, panic, and uncertainty that currently engulfs the world.
Designed To Move You From Survival and Fear to Safety and Peace. Available Monday - Friday. Meditation begins at 9 AM. Access early to hear Panache's monologue - around 8:30 AM.