Thoughts on Valentine’s Day, and How to Manifest a Partner 101
It’s the week of the Valentine’s holiday here in North America and since we’ve traditionally been so heavily pushed to pay attention to it, it’s always been the week, (when I still did one on one consultations) where every single client who wanted to be in partnership would focus on the question “ How can I attract my soul mate or the impossible question- When will I meet my soulmate?” This is the week where Love and the Law of Attraction dance together. It’s also the week where many of us have memories that make the subject come alive and not always pleasant.
So in celebration and honor of all the aspects of the SuperBowl of Love – February 14th- here we go!
I wonder how you felt about this but, when I was little I loved going to school on Valentine’s Day because we had an important task- to spend the morning immersed in creating evidence of LOVE and devotion on paper hearts which would then be delivered to everyone in the class in the afternoon. I was taught it was a day to value love in all forms and one to give and receive declarations of love. No one was left out and sometimes you’d get a nice message from a kid you’d previously ignored. Even the snooty mean girls might share their chocolate spontaneously. It was, for the most part, a moment of sharing LOVE that transcended our separation.
To this day I love the smell of construction paper and glue because it reminds me of the excitement and joy of making special cards for my family and my classmates and even my dog too. While, I don’t remember that I was taught the historical meaning of the day I do remember that February 14th was supposed to be like Christmas- a very special day. Until I became a teenager and it got weird.
I don’t know the year my innocence got flushed down the love toilet but somewhere my reverence for the day of hearts, flowers chocolates and friendship began to erode. Everything about Valentine’s Day began to feel distorted, a taunt to my unpartnered self sans Beloved. My teens were spent in longing and yearning for the elusive possibility for a special romantic love and then struggles with Love in all forms- family, friends, even fantasy partners too were scarred by betrayals, and loss and so insecurities took root fed with a constant sense of heartache. I began to feel trapped most of the time and secretly saw myself as a total misfit. Feelings of shame and unworthiness could easily accompany my waking hours, and Valentine’s Day became laden with baggage I was unwilling to sort through. Still I yearned for Prince Charming to take me away and prove to me I counted, I was worthy and he would rescue me from my tortured self. The novels I loved fostered this too. After all what we think about is our reality. Ah the crazy pain of teen angst.
Then in my twenties and thirties as my friends partnered up and got married I continued to drift through unsuccessful pairings and stretches of singledom that came to mean something to me- I was a failure at LOVE, and that meant many things too scary to contemplate.
Valentines Day became a way to keep score until I refused to even pay attention to it since I seemed to always be on the losing end. I won’t bore you with my maudlin story of lost loves and wild heartache and drama, (although they are so entertaining!) but I will tell you about how I eventually managed to extricate myself from the stories of what being partnered was supposed to mean, turned it around, and manifested a most marvelous man! (you pick your gender of choice as you keep reading)
The first step for me was to completely surrender the lie that I told myself that I wouldn’t be whole unless I was in a special relationship belonging to someone. Manifesting a partner requires the paradox of surrendering that deeply held dream and desire to the Universe, and being willing to be empty. Took me quite a while to really trust the process and, in my case, had to hit a kind of emotional bottom.
After a gazillion vision boards, and mucho experimentation that always ended in disappointment I had to examine my motives, the patterns I kept finding myself in and my accountability in my experience.
Surprise! I was the common denominator in all my wild and wooly stories of heartbreak and betrayal.
If you do what you did you’ll get what you got. So I made some real changes in my thinking and behavior and choices.
Valentine’s Day was an important and meaningful thing for me to shift. I decided it would now be a day to show me that I loved myself and to be grateful for everyone in my life. Yes, you should do that every day but I like the ritual of celebration and commitment to gratitude. I rewrote my script around what it meant.
I began to feel the innocence of childhood again, reverence and awe for LOVE in the way I could show it and eventually I dropped my old stories. My wholeness could no longer be measured in romantic partnering.
Yes, I wanted to be partnered but I had to sit down and decide how I wanted to feel in that relationship. Then I had to commit to becoming the person who could be in that respectful loving pairing. And the hardest thing of all was to surrender the results to a power greater than me. Each relationship I thought was “ the one” taught me something crucial about myself, what I didn’t want, what I did, and what I needed to change in me to create a vibrational match to my ideal relationship.
I was 44 years old when I finally met my husband.
By the way, none of this is just theory. I have seen and experienced the results first hand and have the life to prove it. I have my ideal relationship today and it honestly gets better every day as we grow together through thick and thin. It took work to get here though as admittedly I was a very wounded woman pretending to herself that she had done everything it took to heal.
What I know today is that the laws of the universe are always working whether you are aware of it or not. The results are in the mirror of your world.
The world will always reflect to you where you are at, what you really believe and where you are in denial.
Partnerships help you grow and evolve. But first, you need to see yourself as whole, worthy, enough and abundant. No one completes you. You are already complete.
You might have to reconsider many of the stories you’ve adapted to explain your romantic narrative too. I think the paradox for me was choosing to be happy and whole and grateful without one first.
Granted I did not 100% see myself as “whole” I know I’m always going to be a work in progress, and so are you, but the key to manifesting a partner is to drop the longing and yearning for The Beloved as that feeling implies “not having one”. The Universe has an uncanny way of spotting that vibrational pattern of longing and giving us more to want instead of to have which isn’t as exciting as we’d love to imagine.
Of course, the Universe that made us has a sense of humor and equipped us with a staggering array of unruly emotions, many of which lead us into excellent songwriting material but not always where we want to end up. As I teach in Oracle School, (repetitively I might add) we are all “stories in motion”, and all experience, including suffering, is part of our journey through life.
It’s what we make those stories mean that is the point.
So how do we Manifest a Partner?
It’s pretty simple. It’s what I did, and what I coached my clients to do all those years ago.
- Be willing to do the self-evolution and healing work on-going.
- Don’t expect anyone to complete you or rescue you.
- Fall in love with the Universe, then with yourself as its emissary, and immerse yourself in feelings of Gratitude as a regular practice.
- Be clear on how you want to feel in partnership with someone special and start rehearsing it as if you were in a movie.
- Admit to yourself you have no clue how you will meet this person and that only the Universe knows the when, where, and how, and who.
- Recognize that one person cannot meet all your needs nor can you meet all theirs.
- Know your non-negotiables. (a few of mine were no drugs, excessive drinking, or smoking, and #1 had to love dogs)
- Be flexible about what they are supposed to look like. (I thought I only dated dark haired swarthy, muscular masculine bad boys. My husband is blonde, green-eyed, lean, and very Nordic looking)
- Trust that this process works in timing that is none of your business.
- Find ways to love everyone in your life with respect, kindness and compassion- be it a plant, a cat, a dog, a friend or a stranger. Focus on the essence of LOVE and faith and watch the miracles show up just when you least expect it!
Try it – this really works.
I send you so much love, joy and happiness today and every day. Happy Valentine’s!