“Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly.”
– Julie Andrews

How often have you said to yourself, “I have to take the time to do some Inner Bonding,” or “I’d better do my Inner Bonding work.”

If this is what you hear yourself say, it is your wounded self, trying to have control over getting you to do something that you think you ‘should’ do. Your wounded self likely sees Inner Bonding as a chore, something you ‘have to’ do to be okay. When this is your mindset about doing your inner work, then you might find yourself in resistance, because another aspect of your wounded self hates being told what you ‘should’ or ‘have to’ do.

The wounded self misses the point. Just as a diligent practice of playing the piano eventually gives you the freedom to play spontaneously, or the diligent practice of running gives you the freedom to run in a marathon, the diligent practice of Inner Bonding gives you the freedom to take loving care of yourself and bring yourself joy.

Some years back, I had the moving experience of working with Kevin (not his real name), a thirty-seven year old very talented branding artist we had hired to work on our website. From the moment I met Kevin, I knew he was a person I wanted to hire and work with. His demeanor was open, honest, caring and attentive. I had seen some of his work before speaking with him, and I was blown away by his creativity.

One evening, as we were having dinner, after working together for four solid days, I asked him how he had met his girlfriend. I had spent some time with Lila and Kevin and I was impressed with how loving they were with each other. They had been together for three and a half years.

Do you feel worthy, valuable, adequate, lovable, and secure?

Or, do you feel unworthy, worthless, inadequate, unlovable, and insecure?

Do you believe that your inner child is worthy enough for you to take loving care of yourself, or do you believe that your inner child doesn’t have enough value to make him or her worthy of being loved by you or by God?

Very often, when I ask my clients why they don’t take loving care of themselves, their answer is “I’m not worthy of love. I have no value.”

I always feel so sad to hear this.

Happy New Year and if you are like me, chances are you have a list of goals, desires or intentions (hopefully written down on paper and shared with an accountability partner).

One of the lesser known manifestation tools is called “Acts of Faith.”

This is something you do when you are so trusting that your desire will be fulfilled, that you acquire something that you would want or need if the desire arrived right now.

For instance, if your desire is to meet and marry your soulmate a gigantic Act of Faith would be to buy your wedding dress now.

Each year brings new lessons and opportunities for growth.

Each year you are given is a precious gift from the universe.

Each year is a new canvas that you get to create, a work of art that is your life.

It’s not the change of year that makes the difference but who you are being and what you bring to it.

So what will you bring to 2020 that was different than the year before.

And who will you be differently this year?

One of the most important aspects of Inner Bonding is opening to a compassionate intention to learn. I’ve been thinking a lot about compassion, and I’ve realized that compassion is often more than people think it is.

Compassion does include the standard definition: the ability to feel empathy with another or others who are suffering, to be moved by the suffering and to want to help alleviate it.

Loneliness is one of the “problems” with growing. Sometimes, in order to connect with yourself, you have to separate from what you’ve known. The aliveness of love will ruin your chances of stagnation. It will call you out. Success demands loss.  Sometimes, we have to let go of waning definitions, circumstances, or relationships that no longer reflect us so that we can blossom wide…

I’d Rather Lose a Friend, than Lose Myself

So I’m moving on. I’m taking that love with me. I’m no longer looking for support where it’s not. I’m also not making myself wrong for wanting support. I don’t care how brilliant you are on stage, how many trophies line your walls, or how much money you sock away in investments, this I know. We are all fragile, especially if we’re courageous. Those of us who continue to grow, continue to step out onto new ledges. We continue to move beyond what we have known into the beckoning of uncertainty.

Is love on a global scale, for oneself and others, possible? I believe it is, despite evidence to the contrary. Let’s face it. The current planetary paradigm that we inhabit is based in limitation. From a very early age, we are taught to curtail our heart’s desires for fear they will be crushed within a skewed social matrix that does not allow universal self-fulfillment and growth. Most social constructs in our world are organized on a top/bottom basis. Whether you are at the bottom or top, your life is limited by the very fact of inhabiting a limited paradigm. What would it take to shift that paradigm, to make it inclusive instead of exclusive? How about a complete transformation in global consciousness? Because until the collective consciousness changes, we are all caught in a web of limitation.

Have you ever seen a child fall and is urgently warned “Be careful” when it is already too late, the accident has happened?

To be careful, often sends a message to be cautious but be responsible for a future you cannot control.

Be careful, is telling you there is some danger and something you should do but not what to do.

More useful phrases give clear guidance. “Please watch where you are going.” or “Hang on to the railing when you walk up the stairs.”

It was too late to say be careful, when I found myself, kneeling by the side of my bed, braced on the nightstand for support. My lower back was in immense pain after sitting at my computer for 12 hours. I was afraid to move.

~~~

I allowed my body to find harmony, I gave my body time to restore balance.
I became aware of a sense of equilibrium.

Surrendering in the moment.

I had a beautiful revelation,

“I AM GENTLE WITH MYSELF.”

Slow with awareness is different from careful.

I am gentle with myself, is in the moment. It is caring, not careful

I care for myself when I am gentle with myself.

Gentleness is patient. Caring doesn’t rush. It is, simply
with what it loves.

Grace is soft
Grace is caring
Caring is kind

Be Gentle
With
Yourself

“My inner child is lonely and wants to be in a relationship, but relationships are too hard. I feel like I don’t want to work that hard,” Karen told me in a phone session.

“Are you ready to fully accept the loneliness of never being in a relationship?”

“No, that sounds too sad and awful. But why do relationships have to be so hard? I’ve worked on myself for years, yet even relationships with close friends are hard. It shouldn’t be that way.”

“Karen, they are hard because most of us come from families where we did not see our parents or other caregivers being open to learning with each other, especially during conflict. We saw them get angry, give in, withdraw, resist and turn to various addictions. So this is what most of us learned to do. Relationships challenge us to give up trying to control each other and instead open to learning with ourselves and each other, so we can share love. When two people are open to learning, relationships are not hard. What’s challenging is reaching the point where we can stay open to learning in the face of conflict.

Your body is beautiful just because you have a body.

No other reason needed.

It is a living work of art. A masterpiece and magical expression of the Divine.

But how often do we really appreciate and love our bodies?

We have been conditioned and brainwashed by the media to believe that “You are not enough as you are”.

This is a lie.

This creates so much shame, judgment, non-acceptance of our naturalness. We end up hating our bodies, disconnecting from it’s innate intelligence, and comparing ourselves to others.

We base our self-worth on being the perfect shape, weight, or size.

You are worthy and lovable just because you ARE.

Long, long ago, I thought if I just took the right workshop, read the right self-help books, or found a magic wand, I would find happiness and peace of mind.

And, doing all of those things helped a bit.

It certainly gave me some relief as well as insight and understanding as to how and why I had my issues.

But, after thousands of dollars, countless hours of various practices, I finally figured something out: Getting rid of the problem isn’t the best goal, and in a lot of cases, with core wounds, not even possible. Having worked closely with many of the biggest names in personal growth, here’s what I observed:

I grew up in a family that constantly used guilt as a form of control. Sometimes the guilt was somewhat subtle, such as “Fine, do what you want,” said with a blaming tone. Other times it was blatant, such as my grandmother (who lived with us) saying to me, whenever I didn’t do what she wanted, “How can you do this to me? You are so selfish.”

As an adolescent, if I came home five minutes after my curfew, I would hear my mother hissing at me from their bedroom as I tried to tiptoe into my room, her voice dripping with anger, “You’re late again. You know I worry about you.” My mother had many ways of making me responsible for her feelings – from her intense anger to her victim tears. I was always to blame.

Are you holding onto feeling wronged?

The Practice:
Forgive.

Why?

Forgiveness is a tricky topic.

First, it has two distinct meanings:

• To give up resentment or anger
• To pardon an offense; to stop seeking punishment or recompense

Here, I am going to focus on the first meaning, which is broad enough to include situations where you have not let someone off the hook morally or legally, but you still want to come to peace about whatever happened. Finding forgiveness can walk hand in hand with pursuing justice.

My brilliant friend, Susan Bratton, is the trusted hot sex advisor to millions and an expert on all aspects on how to improve your sex life, which for many women, begins with improving your “sensuality mindset.” Please enjoy her wisdom on this topic.

Just recently I spoke at an all women’s sexuality event. Before I took the stage, I went around speaking to each individual woman. As we chatted, I asked them privately what they were thinking about when they decided to attend? What were they hoping I’d talk about? What issue was on their mind?

As I listened to the stories, the struggles and the desires of these beautiful women my mind filtered the meta-conversations into four main categories of interest. These women wanted to hear first about what kinds of treatments, procedures and technologies were available and effective at keeping their lady parts in good working order. They wanted to know how to keep their libido high as they aged. They wanted my tips on solo pleasure. And they wanted to hear about female pleasure potential — what was possible for them and what were they missing out on that they didn’t even know might be available?

Can you believe it’s almost Thanksgiving? 

What happened to Fall?

Although the song says "Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays," the fact is that most of us experience a sense of dread as we envision our upcoming holiday gatherings and being around our family.

Feelings of resistance, anxiety, and resignation start to bubble up as we anticipate the drama and dis-ease that will undoubtedly accompany the candied yams and pumpkin pie. As we contemplate the upcoming holiday, our minds naturally drift back to Thanksgivings past and any hope of warm and fuzzy feelings turn cold as we think about our family dynamic and the scenarios that consistently cause trauma and trepidation at our Thanksgiving table. Situations like: 

• How do I once again try to explain to my family why I have to bring my own food since I eat vegan or gluten-free? 
• What can I do to appease my parents and in-laws, who are all divorced but expect us to show up and make their Thanksgiving meal the most significant one? 
• How should I handle it this year when, at the last minute, my sister-in-law once again decides to invite four more people to dinner? 
• What do I do when Uncle Bob inevitably brings up politics?
• How do I not get pissed off at my family when they stay glued to the television as I do all of the work in the kitchen?

A client asked me the following question:

“During my Inner Bonding process today, I uncovered a feeling of reluctance to commit to being there for my inner child. I felt like I didn’t want the responsibility, like it would limit me and tie me down. Part of me was saying “I want to be free.” Where do I go with this now?

This question indicates a huge false belief about taking responsibility for herself.

Are you overworked and under-pleasured? Do you spend a lot of time giving to your career, business, or family?

Helping others is important for a fulfilling life. However, are you making time for your own joy, pleasure, and sexuality?

In our busy world, our to-do lists are often a mile long, filled with obligations, responsibilities, text messages, phone calls, plus caring for our families, home, job, and others. 

Growing up, I saw my parents working hard and rarely resting. As an adult, I found myself doing the same thing. I placed my own pleasure and free time at the bottom of my to-do list. 

However, over the years, this strategy failed me. As I passionately poured my heart into my work, I did not take time to refill my cup, and I became exhausted, stressed, sad, and sick. Since my own pleasure and self-care were last on my to-do list, I never got around to them.

Not surprisingly, since I wasn’t slowing myself down, the universe forced me to slow down through a serious health crash 4 years ago. During these last 4 years, I discovered a new strategy, which I now call “Prioritize Pleasure.” As I made time for my own health, pleasure, and even sexuality, I regained my health and became a much happier, stronger person, which meant that ultimately, I had even more energy to give to my work and the people I care about.

If you are making the all-too-common mistake of “too much work and not enough play and pleasure,” the tips below will inspire you to bring back your sanity through sensuality.

What Exactly is Pleasure?

According to the dictionary, pleasure is “a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment.” Pleasure helps you enjoy life and stay happy and healthy!

Wake up. Work out. Make breakfast (for everyone). Drive the kids to school. Drive yourself to work. Take the kids to all their activities. Bring them home. Make sure they’re doing their homework. Make dinner (for everyone). Be a mom. Be a friend. Be a daughter. Be a lover. Go to bed. Repeat.

Okay, so maybe not everything on this list applies to you personally, but I’m sure there are some others that are unique to you that you could swap in – and then some. As women, we are often expected to do ALL. THE. THINGS. And let’s be honest: our families, coworkers, and others learn to expect this from us because we are so darn good at making it look like we really can do it all! The reality, though, is that with so many balls in the air, something is going to drop. 

When something does inevitably drop, what’s your reaction going to be? And perhaps even more importantly, how are you going to react on a daily basis to the juggling act you’ve got going on?

Some say the hardest part of life is dealing with the other humans.

Unlike most cats and dogs, people behavior is often not predictable. (or sometimes too predictable and that can also be maddening!)

Figuring out how to manage my feelings and judgements about people, and myself, has been a long-time mission and when I discovered Wabi Sabi, that made a big difference (most of the time).

The ancient Japanese practice of Wabi Sabi is about finding the beauty and perfection in imperfection… in all things old, worn, imperfect, and impermanent, from broken pottery to driftwood and beyond.

In my world, I expanded it to be Wabi Sabi Love, to find the beauty and perfection in behavior and things that make us crazy.

It’s essentially about finding the gold in the dark.

Shifting your perception.

Changing your story.