Where you’re stuck, believe it or not, you’re blessed. Because here is where you can meet the alchemy of self-love and a whole new level of progress.
When I’m frustrated, an inner dark knight moans, “You are broken and there are a thousand armies to hold you back.” This ancient foe covers the sun, chills the air. You will always feel this way. You will always be stuck. And yet this dark knight crumples immediately before the magic of willingness.
Here is the willingness I have used to change my life:
I am willing to walk past my resistance.
I am willing to believe that something will shift or give way.
I am willing to stay true to my love.
I am willing to go into the dark woods with a flickering candle. I am willing--because I want to know how far self-love will take me. I will not abandon myself. I will give my desires time and attention. I will endure because I am worth endurance. I will utilize sacred powers even when I feel I have no power. And I will walk through walls-- and come to realize that I have no walls.
Maybe you just can’t figure out how to communicate with your son, get more clients, find your dream partner, publishing deal, property or team member. Pick your poison, it doesn’t matter. Every problem shows up in robes because it is your guru, your sensei, the badass that is going to take you higher.
The practice of spirituality is one of transcending limitations. Unfortunately, and I hate this part with all my heart and spleen, this means we encounter limitations. It even means we’re doing it right. Remember, this is growth school, not coast school.
I have a difficult situation in my life right now, and I have decided to employ awareness and willingness. I am beckoning light to have its way with me. I’m going on an adventure. I’m going on an inner psychedelic trip.
This is where things are going to get large. Because I have gone as far as I know how to go. And I’m still not going to give up on what I want. I am going to go forward.
Just so you know, I haven’t been picking daisies here. I’m not exactly grateful. No, I am standing at the corner of Feeling Stuck and Feeling Pissed. I am sick of myself and of the smoke coming out of my ears. But I am going to move forward. I will not fail myself. I will not let my frustration block my manifestation. This is the border between where I’ve been and everything I want. And I want to experience the territory beyond my history.
I don’t know how to do this, which is the point. I am opening to a dazzling choreography that can line up circumstances to a beat I do not yet hear. I am not giving up--- but I am giving in to this wretched, beautiful process. I know this is where I will meet my God or Spirit, the Presence that will escort me into surprise arrangements of impeccable good, in its own perfect, though I think rather slow, timing. I am walking forward. I am trembling in bravery.
I’m no longer indulging the rant of resistance. I don’t want it to be this way. I just want to get what I want. I just want to be there. I just want this to go away . It’s the cries of the two-year old within me. There, there, I say. I will cradle myself with kindness. I will acknowledge my grief or fear. But then I will begin again. I will not stop moving forward for long. My pain is a perspective, a release, or a mood. But it is not my destiny. And I’m only interested in my destiny.
I even believe that my sense of helplessness is a beacon. Because I’m tired. I’m raw. And now I’m willing to give up my plans. I’m willing to stay true to my desire, but not my timing or my picture or strategy. I am willing to be available to having my irritations polished into the smoothness and the luster of pearls. I am worn down. Which means I am willing to get out of the way-- and allow The Way to unfurl as though it had been there all along. Oh, as though.
I do have experience in working with creative means. I have learned how to let go of control in favor of slap-happy magic before. I know as a writer, I have to allow things to be messy and hairy and not what I want. But I go in with self- love. I pack my bags with patience, focus, and commitment. Nothing can withstand my commitment.
I will sort it out. I run into dead ends. I feel broken or fear I am inept. And sometimes I feel as though I am moving in slow motion and the clocks of my life are speeding up and stealing days. But I know that the words will find me. I keep writing my blunt sentences. I keep untangling knots. And then a thousand blue birds appear out of nowhere and I can’t write fast enough to capture the love that is moving through me. And I am dripping in sweat and gratitude for the work my smaller self could not have done alone--- and for the process of trusting the unseen grace to infuse my experience once again.
So, as I hit a block in other areas of my life, I know the inspired process is the same. I will love this juncture of my life, just as it is—or at least die trying. Finally, I lay down self-pity; I grow in self-compassion. This is my moment. This is my portal. This is my practice of alchemy. A Course in Miracles teaches: “Let all things be exactly as they are.” This wisdom points me to become curious instead of furious.
The juice is in this experience, not some moment in the future. There must be something here for me. There is something here for me. I will stop fighting this life of mine. I will start listening to this life of mine.
Willingness is a time saving device. This moment is where it all begins. I’m going in with patience, focus and commitment. Sure, I will forget every word of this. And then I will choose again to remember. I will practice.
I’m a student of yoga and I know that with practice and focus the impossible becomes possible. My tendon eases with breath and stretching. Nothing is permanently stuck.
And this is true in life, too. No moment ever stays the same. My body is elastic. My mind is elastic. My future is elastic. Even my past is elastic, because I can change how I see and experience it.
So, here’s my practice this month, if you’d like to join me:
I am going to look at what is already working in my life.
I am going to take the steps forward that I can take…and keep taking them.
And I am willing to let this divine process have its way with me.
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